The B-Team was created from a place of two main feelings - being “ENOUGH” and “INCLUSION.” I’m STILL coming down from the high of this weekend and I thought I’d elaborate a little.
Truth Bomb - I spent a MAJORITY of my life not feeling good enough.
Know what the sad/funny thing is - I have NO FREAKING idea why.
Maybe I just enjoy making things THAT much harder than they need to be (I think #MrParker would agree with this statement actually).
Let me elaborate - I know WHY I had these feelings BUT I don’t know where or why they initially started.
Any time this comes up in my life people seem surprised. I’m not sure why this is? Maybe because I’m THE definition of faking it 'til I make it. I tend to always be the loudest in the room and somehow I think that gets misinterpreted for confidence? I find this EXTREMELY funny (and it could probably be another blog post in itself) but for now I’ll just say I am the most introverted extrovert on the planet.
Get me in front of a room full of people I don’t know and I clam up. Sweats, nerves EVERYTHING. I am actually surprised I survived that public speaking class in college. Adversely put one single person I know (and love) in that same room and I can belt our Disney songs at the top of my lungs and I don’t have a care in the world?
As I write this I am self diagnosing myself with { AGAIN } finding my confidence in that one representation of support, approval, or whatever it may be INSTEAD of in myself…
OK I have gone on a tangent. Let’s table this self diagnosis and reel it back to my original point.
Not feeling “enough” stems from the fact that at various times in my life I was looking for validation, acceptance, approval or acknowledgement from things or people, that 100% were NOT the right things or people.
When I think back there are a few main things that really drive this doubtful mindset and insecurities…
The first being an old relationship I was in. Some things I heard on an all too regular of a basis...
“You could be a model if you just lost 5lbs”
“Her body is amazing, you could have that if you XYZ”
or my favorite that would come years later “I love you I’m just not attracted to you”
Of course there were nice things said too but funny how our mind focuses on the negatives like that? At a time in my life when I was in my “prime” - I’m talking a 110lb 3 sport athlete, National Honor Society, Class Clown etc I felt DISGUSTING. Spending hours each week at the gym (on top of my practice and games schedule) and STILL just not feeling ENOUGH.
And the next event is one I haven’t actually told anyone about (unless you were living it with me in college and if you were I can not apologize and thank you enough because I KNOW I was in an obsessively dark place) and I’ll preface this story with college was a funny time for me. I played softball so yes I was an athlete with a workout regimen BUT the daily workouts my body was used to were slightly different AND with the daily beer pong contest and multiple runs to the cafeteria there was NO WAY I could keep up.
Needless to say my Freshman Fifteen was more like the Freshman FIFTY…
Now add that 50lbs to an already insecure frame of a person and before I knew it I was so far down the depression hole I couldn’t even see light. And instead of doing anything about it I continued with the self-sabotaging behaviors - drinking and eating more. Making bad decisions to fit in with the cool kids - and not for ANY responsibility of theirs - it was ALL me and that Jerk voice in my head from my last blog post, telling me to “keep up” or maybe they’ll notice I’ve gotten realyl fat and I’m not reallllllllly as funny as everyone thinks I am.
It was at this time that someone created an IM account (did I just date myself there?) Yup we used IM in college - and for all the youngins it’s like FB messenger and you LIVED away message to away message. Anywho - someone created an IM account with a name like BeckysAFatPig - I can’t remember the actual name because I swear I’ve repressed most of this.
({And even as I’m typing this I can feel the anxiety crawling through my body and I’m starting to sweat})
So EVERY morning for quite some time I would wake up to a message from BeckysAFatPig. They would vary from physical stuff (telling me I was too fat too look at or that I was just plain ol disgusting) to the mental stuff (I was stupid because no one ACTUALLY liked me they just felt bad for me - friends and guys).
This was (and still is) a HUGE driver for me in my life.
At the time I believed it. HOW COULD I NOT?
It put me in a place where I was physically unable to have a good day. Or maybe I would forget what they said and then there it was the next morning to remind me of ALL of my insecurities.
Now that some time has passed I think of this often (ok fine daily) and I genuinely feel BAD for this person - and yes I know exactly who it was - but seriously how HURT could this person have been to do this on a daily basis. You know that saying "Hurt People, Hurt People" well I subscribe to THAT 100.
I think as people we all have these memories and experience (both positive and negative) that play SUCH a big part of us becoming who we are. And truthfully we probably don't even realize what moments they are until later but for me after some years and some distance I realized in BOTH of these instances that I was allowing these people’s opinions of me to actually affect my OWN feelings of myself - my self worth.
I’m not sure when or how I broke the habit BUT I truthfully think #MrParker had a very big part in it. We met when I was 21 and he loved me EXACTLY the way that I was EVEN with the Freshman 50 still hanging around…
Somehow I genuinely felt enough for the first time in a LONG time. And I started believing in myself and all of the things I brought to the table. Want to know why? Because he TOLD ME. Amazing what we can do when we have someone who believes in us.
It was then that I started looking for validation from ME and only the people who I knew genuinely cared about me and I NEVER looked back.
These experiences taught me that whomever is capable of taking time out of their own days to put someone else down is JUST as needing of some self love as the person hearing the insults.
And THAT sentiment was a critical part of the creation of the B-Team. I wanted other girls to feel INCLUDED, LOVED and so very ENOUGH that nothing could sway them from their course.
Annnnnd if they weren’t there yet that they had an avenue and a supportive group to help them get there.
I am faaaaaaaar from perfect. I am human and the self confidence and doubts ebb and flow BUT I know that if I continue to act like the person I want to be and surround myself with others that are also a work in progress I will actually become that person and WE will constantly be on this journey to bettering ourselves.
Is there anything better than that?
So this past weekend, with these girls I had a moment of “HOLY SHIT.” I did it. I am not only surrounding myself with ladies who share my sentiments BUT also share the love of, well, sharing the love!
On a daily basis we are working on ourselves physically AND mentally and most importantly we are that constant support for each other when we’re having an off day or need the reminder of what we actually bring to the table.
I will tell you this - SUPPORT is the game changer in the happiness journey so when you find your #Tribe you LOVE them and you love them hard! And if you're still looking for your tribe (in ANY capacity) reach out to me because I can PROMISE you the B-Team is ALWAYS looking for more fabulous people to connect with.