I am disgusting…
I was inspired by our newest super trainer Jennifer Jacobs to get a little vulnerable so buckle up…
I have been MORE than open about diving back into therapy - I think all the feels of the pandemic had a delayed reaction for me so around May I was NOT doing well. I was 😭 all the time but I couldn’t pinpoint WHY. I was EXHAUSTED but also unable to turn my brain off without some wine (thanks 🍷). Working out every day but frustrated with my results or lack there of (again thanks 🍷?!) and THEN I broke my leg. So take all those feels and quadruple them♿️
The thing about therapy is you have this idea about “what I need to work on” and then BOOM - what we call a HOT THOUGHT comes out in casual talk and my therapist says “hold up! Let’s dive into this” “Repeat your last sentence. How does that feel
I had been talking about not fitting into my jeans 👖and as quickly as I missed even saying it - it made her 🛑 . “That’s kind of a strong statement no? Let’s put it to trial.” This is a CBT activity focused on the examination of irrational thoughts.
So we took some time and worked through WHY I am disgusting and ALL the reasons why I’m not. And it became as clear as writing that sentence how RIDICULOUS that statement is. I am not disgusting because a pair of stupid jeans didn’t fit my body (can we talk about consistency in sizing BTW - blog for another day).
I am a 40 year old mom of 3 that is MADLY in love with her husband, her job, her life (I’d take it without the pandemic tho if we’re being honest) and I am in a DAILY practice of talking to myself HORRIBLY like this.
What this has brought up for me?
I had NO idea how much I tied my worth to my weight. I was bullied a LOT for my weight in college (random AIM messages to call Jenny Craig, nobody could ever love me because I had let myself go) and I swear one tiny thing and I’m back curled up in the fetal position planning what my next crash diet would be.
So when I say I’m a health and wellness coach I mean I consider it my JOB to hold other mamas hands and remind them wellness is SO much more than vanity. My fav woman on the planet @brenebrown calls the negative voices in her head her gremlins and I absolutely ❤️that because it creates a divide between us and the thoughts that dont serve us. We are HUMAN and can’t control our first thought but we 100% can control our second OR what thoughts we allow to take up space.
It’s not YOU, its that we’ve spent our lives trying to act, look and BE how society wants us to be.
And THIS is your reminder that your worth isn’t tied to the number in your jeans, your accomplishments, how many likes you get, or your perfectly curated newsfeed.
You may not see it yet BUT I do because I am just one step ahead of you on this journey and I can promise you when we focus on THIS everything else clicks. Let’s make SELF LOVE and talking nicely to ourselves our main job and see where THAT gets us.
If you’re like ok I’m listening BUT have no idea HOW to start I want to be real honest; replacing negative self-talk with #positiveSelfTalk might not work for you if the words you’re speaking aren’t believable in the first place.
Think about it - “I am the worst” is not going to become “I am the best” just because you said so. Or “I’ll never be healthy, I hate fruits & veggies” is not going to become “I love fruits & veggies”
So HOW do we make it DEEPER than just covering beliefs engrained in us with words - we can look for an alternative truth.
Take the I am the worst and make it “I am doing the best I can right now” or the fruits and veggies to “I love getting creative with food that makes me feel good”
I would love to say this can be changed quickly BUT it’s a process and just like we show up and continuously strengthen our muscles we must also strengthen our awareness to these thoughts AND the capacity to choose ones that serve us a whole lot better.
Full circle moment - my jeans didnt fit. Do my kids care? Nope. Does my husband care? Nope. But I would ruin time with them, the people who love me exactly as I am because the body that houses 3 humans didn’t fit into a pair of denim. It’s almost humorous when you break it down.
I hope my rambling resonated with you and if you want to rock this walk together and slay those gremlins I am ALWAYS looking for other bad ass ladies who keep it realAF.